We all have that one friend. You know the one I’m talking about: that one who always somehow manages to make us feel particularly crappy without even trying.
That one who always seems to exclude you from group plans.
That one who never seems to remember your birthday.
You might have been telling yourself that it’s okay; that’s just the way they are, and maybe they need you more than they’re letting on.
Here is what I have to tell you; This is new year, let them go!
You don’t deserve that kind of person in your life this year.
For you to achieve your goals and plans; You must extricate negative values from your life.
It is important to note that toxicity is relative to each person.
You have to understand and recognise when you need to distance yourself or totally cut off certain persons from your life.
You deserve friends who will not just remember things that are important to you, but always include you in the scheme of things. Sometimes a fresh start is the best way to go, opening up new doors for friendships that will enrich your life, rather than cast a dull grey filter over it.
You might be wondering, “How on Earth do I even begin to remove myself from this situation?”
It is not going to be an easy task. Knowing fully well that most important things in life rarely are easy.
But afterwards, you are going to feel so much better.
Those lines vary from person to person. For example, your sister will probably get more leeway than a coworker, but everyone’s sister and coworkers are different, and everyone has a different threshold.
What we’re talking about here is true toxicity the kind that infects, metastasizes, and takes over your life. Here are a few classic signs of toxic people.
1. Toxic people try to control you. Strange as it might sound, people who aren’t in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours. The toxic look for ways to control others, either through overt methods or subtle manipulation.Toxic people disregard your boundaries. If you’re always telling someone to stop behaving a certain way and they only continue, that person is probably toxic. Respecting the boundaries of others comes naturally to well adjusted adults. The toxic person thrives on violating them.Toxic people take without giving. Give and take is the lifeblood of true friendship. Sometimes you need a hand, and sometimes your friend does, but in the end it more or less evens out. Not with the toxic person they’re often there to take what they can get from you, as long as you’re willing to give it.Toxic people are always “right.” They’re going to find ways to be right even when they’re not. They rarely (if ever) admit when they’ve messed up, miscalculated or misspoken.Toxic people aren’t honest. I’m not talking about natural exaggerations, face-saving or white lies here. I’m talking about blatant and repeated patterns of dishonesty.Toxic people love to be victims. The toxic revel in being a victim of the world. They seek to find ways to feel oppressed, put down and marginalized in ways they clearly are not. This might take the form of excuses, rationalizations, or out-and-out blaming.Toxic people don’t take responsibility. Part of the victim mentality comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. When the world is perpetually against them, their choices and actions can’t possibly be responsible for the quality of their life it’s “just the way things are.”
How to Cut Out the Truly Toxic People
First, a quick warning: Cutting toxic people out of your life can blow up in your face. That’s part of the disease. With that said, it’s absolutely crucial to remove these people from your life in a healthy and rational way.
So how do you go about removing these toxic people from your life and reclaiming the time and energy you’ve been giving them?
Accept that it might be a process. Getting rid of toxic elements isn’t always easy. They don’t respect your boundaries now, so it’s likely they won’t respect them later. They might come back even after you tell them to go away. You might have to tell them to leave several times before they finally do. So keep in mind that distancing yourself is a gradual process.Don’t feel like you owe them a huge explanation. Any explaining you do is more for you than for them. Again, tell them how you feel, which is a subject not open for debate. Or, if you prefer, keep it simple: Tell them calmly and kindly that you don’t want them in your life anymore, and leave it at that. How much or how little you tell them is really up to you.
Every relationship requires a different approach.Talk to them in a public place. It’s not unheard of for toxic people to get belligerent or even violent. Talking to them publicly can significantly diminish the chances of this happening. If you run into problems, you can just get up and leave.
Block them on social media. Technology makes distancing more difficult, so don’t leave any window open for them to bully or cajole you. You’ve set boundaries. Stick to them. This includes preventing them from contacting you via social media, if appropriate. Shutting down email and other lines of communication with a toxic person might also be in order.
Don’t argue just restate your boundaries. It’s tempting to fall into the dynamic of toxicity by arguing or fighting that is precisely what toxic people do. In the event they do return, make a promise with yourself to avoid an argument. Firmly restate your boundaries, then end communication. You’re not trying to “debate” the person into leaving you alone. This isn’t a negotiation. You can, however, make it less and less attractive for them to keep bothering you.
Do not feed the trolls! Consider writing a letter. Writing yourself a letter is a sort of dress rehearsal for an in-person conversation. You’re clarifying your thoughts and articulating your feelings. You can also refer back to the letter later, if you need to remember why you made the decision to cut someone out. Because toxic people often do everything they can to stay in your life, you’ll need all the help you can get.
Consider creating distance instead of separation. You don’t have to cut these people out of your life completely. You just need to create distance by occupying your time with other friends and activities, and agreeing not to feed into their dynamic.
And in many cases, you might not have to “do” anything at all.
For many toxic relationships especially with friends and colleagues you’ll only need to make an internal decision to create some space, without having a bigger conversation with the toxic person again. Remember: You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You can just slowly ghost out of their life to the degree necessary, unt
Find a method of making other, more like-minded friends.
Whether this is sitting next to someone new in class, starting a new hobby or even just talking to the other young people, this is the easiest way to get started, because it ensures that you have someone to support you through the following steps.
Step 8: If things get ugly, or difficult do not engage in any verbal (or physical) confrontation.
People usually become confrontational when they are hurt or feeling insecure. It’s a defence mechanism, and it’s only intensified by a similar reaction from yourself. If the friend you are trying to distance yourself from becomes confrontational, do not under any circumstances engage with them. Obviously, this would not be the desired outcome for the end of a friendship, but sometimes it is unavoidable. The best thing for you to do is to ignore their attempts at coaxing a reaction from you, and remove yourself from the situation.
I know this all sounds hard, and it is. But in the end, it is more than worth it. You do not deserve to have somebody constantly making you feel like you are worthless, nor do you deserve to have a friend who cannot see your true value. You deserve better.